I love this time of year. The long, sunny days and the feeling that summer is almost upon us makes me excited for weekends filled with beach days, pool parties, and opportunities to be an Ethical Slut.
Now is a great time to brush up on our healthy sex practices - and I’m not just talking about your PrEP prescription and regular STI checkups - I’m talking about how we navigate sexuality and openness with our friends, lovers, and everyone in between. Because healthy sexuality isn’t just about taking care of your body. It also includes your understanding of your ever-evolving sexuality, and how you articulate your sexual and intimacy needs and boundaries with your partners and lovers.
Imagine your boyfriend in the throes of passion with another. How do you feel? Are you jealous, angry, feeling left out, feeling inadequate, turned on? Maybe a mixture of these?
With loads of fun on the horizon, how do we navigate these sexy, social spaces; especially if you’re in a relationship? Have you figured out your agreements and boundaries for play? Do you only play together, or is separate play allowed? Are sleepovers allowed? How about recurring guest stars?
It’s crucial to start communicating about these things beforehand, so that you’ve created some ground rules in a safe, clear-headed space rather than trying to hash it out in the middle of a pride party.
Being open about our desires may feel vulnerable. We may worry about hurting our lover’s feelings; that they might feel inadequate. But this vulnerability is a way of building intimacy with our lovers, and we do this by sharing this part of ourselves. It allows you to know each other more fully.
It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that we cannot satisfy our partner’s every need. But, is there a part of you that maybe feels a little bit relieved that you don’t have to? The choice of whether or not to act on unmet needs is something that you should discuss and explore together, and figure out how (if at all) to make that happen. Remember - openness isn’t for everybody, and that’s perfectly fine. But those feelings and desires are still very real, and you’ve got to figure out a way to process them.
For those who are working on their openness, here is a word that I want you to use together: “compersion.”
It’s a word that was created by the poly/open community as an inverse of jealousy. It’s an invitation to feel joy for the joy being experienced by someone you love - even if that means watching your lover shuddering in pleasure being given to him by someone else.
Here’s the thing. Compersion isn’t easy. You can’t just flip a switch, and turn off your feelings of jealousy. But you know what? That’s okay. Jealousy isn’t something we need to get rid of - in fact, I like to think of it as an invitation to turn our attention inwards, and ask ourselves what we are needing in this moment. Is it validation? Affirmation? Affection? Attention? Love?
Can you give those things to yourself first? Are there some ways you want your partner to be present with you, and do you have an effective way to ask for that?
Now turn your attention outward. Empathize with your partner - feel joy for their joy. Their successes, triumphs, and ecstatic moments from their life - many of which included you. And there are many more to come.
Take a deep breath, and trust that they love you. Their joy is your joy - and your joy is theirs.
Remember, all of this is HARD. Most of us grew up feeling that we had to operate within a heteronormative template, and as such we don’t have many models to follow. We must, as a community, continue to celebrate and support each other’s queer relationship styles - and sometimes talking to a professional about all this can be extremely helpful in creating a solid foundation with your partner so you can get those cakes and eat ‘em too!
Here are some questions you might discuss with your boyfriend, lover, or partner(s):
1. What were the relationship expectations that your family had for you growing up?
2. What are your agreements for playing with people outside of your relationship?
3. How can you be more attuned to your partner's needs?
Need some guidance answering these questions? Interested in working together? My practice has openings for couples! And, for the summer slut special, I’m offering half-off the first 4 sessions with me, no commitment beyond that required. Email me for more details, to set up an appointment, and to see if we might be a good fit to work together! (Limited availability; California residents only.)